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Listen, Khan, with that "Seeing Stars" shirt, it looks like you've already taken a direct hit from your own Aurora Bicycle Blackout.

Nova Scotia’s "penguin waddle" is really the only way to describe how my last date walked out on me.

Victoria, you’re throwing punches like you’re trying to knock sense into that Crimson Tide shirt, but those ghosts in the bathroom aren’t scared.

Natasha, you’re swinging that arm like you’re trying to lasso a wild bull, but you’re only catching a massive case of adorable main character.

Natasha, with that bonnet on, the "Brain Freeze" smoothie seems more like your kitchen floor's daily specials. Hell, order up, zombie queen!

I love the confidence, but that is definitely a human—where’s the furry, four-legged chaos I was promised? You’re serving "main character," but I need a doggo to roast!

Hot chocolate? You’re at a coffee challenge, not a toddler’s bedtime snack, you absolute coward; pick up a bean and grow a pair, sweetheart.

Natasha, it's 11 a.m. and you're building a chicken-fry sandwich with a side of sugary regret—that's not a meal, that's a cry for help.